Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 21, 2020

My daughter's reincarnation story

I believe in reincarnation and have since I was about 9 or 10 years old. I suspect it's a scientific fact that will eventually be proven. Here's one story I can share:
When my daughter Britt was 3, she matter-of-factly informed me that she'd been a nun and had died in a church fire. I'd never taken my kids to any church -- and certainly not a Catholic church -- and she didn't watch shows about religion or nuns, either. I remember how shocked I was at first, but then I accepted it. To this day I still discuss it with Britt.
Interestingly, I wanted to be a nun when I was 7. I did not grow up Catholic. Paul, who did grow up Catholic, but who has been atheist for many years, always tells me that I should've been Catholic because I exhibit signs of Catholic guilt all too often. Interesting fact: a lot of ex-Catholics turn to paganism/Wicca. I think it has a lot to do with the ritual aspect of it. I love rituals!
What's more, I am also fascinated by nuns and rosaries, even though I'm pagan and a witch. I also love to watch/listen to Latin Mass (or Latin for any reason). We have a Latin dictionary here at home.
Britt and I have discussed it and I think it's possible we were both nuns and in the same sisterhood in a past life. That is what I suspect, anyway. My fascination with saints, rosaries, Mother Mary, Catholic church architecture, priests, exorcisms, and movies about nuns (the latest is Warrior Nun on Netflix) leads me to suspect there is something to it. I also believe that she was chosen to be my daughter for a reason and that this is not our first time around together.
Reincarnation has been on my mind lately, so I thought I'd share my thoughts on it.
What do you think?

Thursday, September 1, 2016

The meaning of life

I wrote this back in December 2005 (except for a few words I added just now), and it still holds true for me. The meaning of life could be something entirely different for you, but for me, I think it is this:

Do the best you can with your circumstances, try to love others, and care for them as best you can (even when they're being assholes) and choose to live as authentically as you can in the process. Nobody gets an instruction manual and no one gets a guarantee when you're born into this life. How you play the game is up to the individual and many factors/variables go into the playing of the game. You must straddle doing what's best for you versus what's fair and right for others. It's not easy and you won't always make the right decision. When you screw up, apologize if it's warranted. And sometimes—just sometimes—you have to love people even when they don't deserve your love. And sometimes you might have to forgive them even when you'd rather stick your foot up their ass.

Life can be hard, cruel, and unexpected. It can also be joyful, surprising, and amazing. You can't control life; you can only control your actions/reactions in the framework of this short period of time we call a lifetime. Our charge is to be present and aware—a tall order indeed. And a mission I've yet to master since I tend to live in the future ALL the time and, more often than not, skip over the present. The truth is, we only have NOW. Make the best of it.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Thoughts I've been thinking

Ummm...okay. So I'm going through my Livejournal posts from 2002 to present because I've had some re-examination going on inside my head since Lyn's death this past week. I realized that, while I like Facebook and I'll stay on here, I did A LOT more writing and was far less distracted (and more focused on writing) when I put my energy into Livejournal. Hell, I posted over 4,000 journal entries there. Crazy, huh?

Anyway, so as I'm tooling through the archives, I see a "Welcome, Butterflye!" subject. And I know it was a welcome note to Lyn when she joined LJ many years ago. Then I come back over here to Facebook and I get one of those "Here's a memory of yours from a year ago!" prompts from FB. And guess what? It's a post where I tagged Lyn. She's popping up over and over on so many levels.

There's a lot of things going on in my mind this week, most of it has to do with her unexpected death. I've been through this before when my first husband died and when two of my friends committed suicide. Each time it's a wake-up call. Each time I've made changes and shifts in my life. This time, I'm doing the same thing, but in different areas.

I also think that I'm done carrying the hurt, pain, and anger I've been lugging around for a number of years that's connected to people who have done me wrong in horrible ways -- or even abused me in unspeakable ways. It's too heavy to carry anymore and it's time to lighten the load. I cannot move forward with those monkeys on my back.

I'm going back to journaling on LJ. It might take me a while to get back up to speed, but I know it's something I need to do for a number of reasons.

Pulled an all-nighter and I can see I'm not used to doing it like I used to. My body hurts, particularly my back. I'm still a night person. That will never change. However, I think 'late night' will be redefined as no later than, say, 2:30 or 3 a.m., not 8 a.m. or later.

Right now I'm in my head a whole lot. If I seem distracted, that's why. The wheels are turning in my cranium, but it's a good thing.

One more thing: if you're on LJ, I'm still at http://elementalmuse.livejournal.com/ If you're not on LJ, it's an interesting place. You might wanna give it a try.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

[RV experiences] A cry for help in the middle of the night

Oh my gosh, I need to post about this before I forget! This morning, close to 4 a.m., I was finally ready to drift off to sleep. All of a sudden, a man starts yelling, "HELP!" in a frantic, desperate voice. You could tell he was running toward where we were parked in the RV. Paul looked out the window and grabbed his phone to call 911 if it came to that.

Surprisingly, five people appeared out of nowhere to help—at 4 a.m.!—and Paul saw another guy laid out on the concrete on a traffic island near Fountain Blvd. Since five people were already attempting to help, we stayed in the RV.

A little while later, the second guy was sitting up. We saw flashing lights, so an emergency vehicle had arrived. We don't know what happened, but I know that I have never heard a man yell that loudly or frantically. Took me quite a while to get back to sleep. I hope everyone involved is okay and all is well.

One thing about living in an RV is that you are closer and more involved with humanity and its wounds and ills when you're in the city than you would be living in your house or apartment. It's both startling and humbling. Definitely food for thought.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Do good for good's sake, whenever possible

Never understood why I end up talking to strangers about their problems under the weirdest circumstances. A depressed and nearly suicidal college guy was playing in WoW and was obviously in need of help.

Everyone ignored him and he said, "Well, I guess I should quit college and hang myself." Yes, he could've been joking...but a longtime friend and classmate of mine, Harold Hitt, committed suicide in August 2012 and it's haunted me ever since. I should've picked up the phone and called to see how he was doing. I should've done something...even if it didn't stop him in the long run and he killed himself anyway.

Another friend, Terry, committed suicide a couple years ago. I only knew him through Livejournal, but I'd been online friends with him for years.

Both of those events still haunt me. So when I watched this situation unfold in World of Warcraft, I couldn't just be silent and ignore him. So I talked to him for about a half-hour. Found out he was drunk and depressed, feeling like his real-life friends had abandoned him and were ignoring him.

Anyway, those are the basics -- but I talked to him, then another person joined in the conversation as well. The end result was that the depressed college fellow said he was feeling better, and that what we told him made sense, and that he was going to log off and seek out his friends and do something that made him feel better.

I'm not sure what will or won't happen. I can only be sure that I tried to help in some way -- as did the other person. Before he left, he told both of us that we seemed 'legit' and like decent people, and he thanked us.

I hope he has a better day tomorrow, and all days after that. I never want to hear about a person I know (or become acquainted with) committing suicide or being ignored when they're depressed.

I suffer from major depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Without my family and friends, I may not have been here to this day. But I am. And as long as I'm here, if I can do a good deed that helps someone else -- even if they don't know me -- that's what matters.

Do good for good's sake, whenever possible. It may save someone's life.

Another person died yesterday because of a selfish jerk

A main intersection up the street from us at Circle and Uintah was the scene of a tragic accident yesterday. A drunk driver ran a red light, hit a car w/ two people, and the passenger in that car died. The driver sustained injuries, but will survive.

I keep thinking about that accident because we use that intersection all the time. It could've been any of us or one of our friends/neighbors! Alcohol and speed are to blame. Makes me sick. unsure emoticon Two people probably running an errand or doing something mundane and some dickhead had to get all liquored up and injure/kill innocent people.

I hear people gripe about marijuana all the time, but I guarantee you'll find more tragedy connected with drunk driving than MJ. It's NOT weed that's the TRUE scourge. When it comes to destroying lives and killing innocent people, alcohol is unparalleled in its taste for destruction.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

[Musings] Maybe...

Ever get tired of life's bullshit and constraints? All the rules, social expectations, marching to other people's drums? 

I do. 

Maybe I just want to spend a month doing nothing but being silly, laughing, sightseeing, having no schedule, daring to say and do things others might not approve of. 

Maybe I want to be selfish. 

Maybe I want to set off on a journey with no idea of where it'll lead me. 

Maybe I want to stand naked on a beach under a full moon and feel tears of joy stream down my face. 

Maybe I want to fill a tub with lime green gelatin and play around in it. 

Maybe I want to live without rules, boundaries, or expectations before I die. 

Maybe that's what I want.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

But why are you so angry...?

Here's something else I've noticed: when a man rants or bitches about something on his FB profile -- or anywhere, actually -- I don't see people asking him, "Gee, Bob, why are you so angry?" or, "Why such an angry post, Bob?" If a woman posts the same, she's automatically a bitch or some other word and probably -- GASP! -- an angry feminist (or feminazi) instead.

Let me assure you, I get riled up and outspoken on here. I get irritated and blunt at times. On occasion, I get annoyed and outright angry. But despite my posts, you have never EVER seen my full fury. You do not want to see that, and I do not want to unleash it. That is not bullshit talk, that's fact. It's not pretty and it doesn't make anybody feel good or happy, so I'd prefer not to go there if possible. Unless I'm in an Avengers movie, of course :-).

In my posts, on FB and my blogs, I will:

...say or write what I want, when I want, to whomever I want.
...say or write things that will piss you off.
...say or write about things that will make you think.
...say or write about things that make you NOT want to think about certain things.
...speak as a human being, not just as a set of boobs or a vagina.
...provoke and evoke feelings you may or may not like.
...say or write things you, yourself, are too shy or chickenshit to say.
...say or write about things you're to afraid to say, either because of yourself or because you're afraid of offending your relatives or friends (in other words, they OWN you on some level because you allow them to muzzle you).
...say or write about things that you do not understand, or that you don't *want* to understand.
...say or write about things that confuse or confound you (I'm under no obligation to make full and complete sense to you; that's why I'm ME and you're YOU!).

And much, much more.
I have a voice and I will use it.
You cannot stop me.
I will not let you stop me.
Because I'm here.
I'm alive.
Because my voice matters.
Not MORE than anyone else's, but just as much.

Silence is a painful option for me when words must be spoken or written.
First and foremost, I'm a writer. 
We all are, in fact.
We are all writing our own narratives in this journey called life.


I write a lot of things.
I write long things.
I write to keep myself sane.
I write to keep myself from taking out my full wrath on people.
I write as a means of therapy.

If my posts are too long or challenging, don't read them.
But if you do, thank you.
I can be verbose.
I can be brief.
In the end, I make that decision.
And I'm NOT Silent, because

In the face of wrongs that should be righted:

Silence is a killer.
Silence allows wrongdoing to grow and fester.
Silence is the accomplice of injustice.
Silence is cowardice and complacency.
In the end, Silence shackles us all.
Do not hand Silence the manacles and keys.
Stand up and SPEAK, even if yours is the lone voice of sanity and reason.


But please, for some of you who have mentioned that I seem angry or that my posts are sometimes angry, so what? I post what I want and it may seem angry or oppositional to you, but that's your take. I'm responsible for my posts and the emotions I feel when writing them. However, YOUR reaction (and mine to YOUR posts) is YOUR responsibility (as it is mine as well).

Furthermore, don't question, shame, or condescend to me about an angry post unless you will also confront your male friends or family members. Even then, they have a right to express themselves if they're angry. You don't have to agree and neither do I. But in particular, don't indicate, especially in a passive-aggressive way, that women -- or females in general -- should always play nice. Because we don't, and we will rip your ass to shreds if you test us.

Feminist? Yes, I am one. But so is my husband and he was a feminist BEFORE we met. Learn the definition of 'feminist' and realize that not all feminists are like -- neither are they ONLY female.

Nope, I'm not angry right now. 
But I *could* be if you wanted it. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Marking time, or living life?

Thoughts for the day:

No guts, no glory. But really, who cares about the glory? I don't. Having the guts and inner fortitude to do, say, act upon something reinforces that I've accomplished something. Taking a step, speaking a word, or following a path that many others were too fearful to tread upon is what matters most to me. Being authentic and genuine is the best gift I can give to others, as well as to myself.

We all have stories to tell about things that have happened in our past, things that have cemented who we are and why we say or do things the way we do. There is no competition with anyone else, because there is nobody else like you -- period.

Will you speak your mind, or remain silent?

Will you explore, or remain satisfied by what others tell you?

Will you ask challenging questions, or will you remain cozy in the downy comfort of stories (and lies) you have been told?

Will you grow a metaphorical spine, or will you remain spineless?

Will you put your thoughts out there (even if they shock or repel), or will you stay silent, muted, and loyal to the status quo?

The choices are up to you. You came into this world alone, and you will leave alone. What you do in between is, ultimately, in your hands.

It is a harsh truth, and one I'm still learning. But at some point you must leave the shadows and gaze at the bright, piercing sun -- even if it hurts your eyes, or your soul.

What will you do, or what will you not do?

Are you living life, or simply marking time?
I don't want to just mark time...I want to live life on my own terms.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Living as you're intended

The other night we watched clips of the popular '70s (and beyond) dance show, "Soul Train," with Don Cornelius. I miss those days when things seemed more innocent and simpler. Of course, I was a young child, so it wasn't truly the case. It's just that the world hadn't yet had a chance to fully get its claws in me and I hadn't seen the many horrors I've now been exposed to in my fifty years of life.

I miss the times when all I had to worry about was finishing a report for school or whether a cute boy I liked would like me back so we could "go" together. You know, life could be uncomplicated, but we humans utterly insist on making it such.

I think it's possible to live without pain, drama, and crisis in our lives. When we live with those things, we get sick...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I don't want to be sick. I want to be well. I want to live as I was intended to live, with joy, hope, and creativity.

Do you?