We are the lucky ones. For now.

I'm getting ready to make dinner and I can't stop thinking about Aleppo. To paraphrase my daughter, she said she's in her comfy apartment, watching movies with her fiance, and these horrific things are happening in Aleppo (and elsewhere, I might add).

You know, Paul and I live in a 30-ft RV. We don't have a permanent home and we don't know what the future holds for us. And right now, it's pretty damned scary for some of us in the United States of America, and on a global scale. Any of us could be part of what's happening in Aleppo in the near future.

Things can and do change in an instant, and big, holy-shit! events can happen when you least expect it -- or even when you do. This is not news, as it's always been that way. But lately, I've had a lot of things on my mind. And lately I've been thinking how it's best to appreciate the small things, the good things, the hopeful things as much as you can because nothing is guaranteed and nothing is set in stone.

This, again, is nothing new. But sometimes you have to have your country, your world, and your mind rocked out of its sockets to remind yourself of that. To remind yourself that one night you could be making dinner and watching Netflix, and a year from now you may have no dinner at all -- and you sure as hell won't have Netflix, because that would be the last thing on your mind.

I don't know what the future holds for any of us. But I do know that it's up to all of us to bring about a country -- and a world -- we all want to live in TOGETHER. And I don't know where any of this is going because this is a stream-of-consciousness post. Except that maybe I wanted to tell you all that, no matter what does happen to any of us, I want to thank you for your presence in my life, even if it's been through Facebook. Maybe you've made me laugh, cry, get pissed off, or whatever...but you affected me in some way, and that has made me grow as a person.

I don't know about you, but I have more life to live and more goals, ambitions, and dreams to pursue. Like you, I want to spend more time with my kids and I am looking forward to holding my first grandbaby. I'm not done here yet, you're not done here yet, this country isn't done yet, and this world damn sure isn't.

So this is a reminder that it's up to us to make the world a better place, in whatever way we can, and even if it's a small daily thing...because small acts add up and influence events and people. There is no 'us' and 'them.' The truth is there's only *us*, and we've gotta find a way to make all of this work out for the present and the future. If we don't, there's no going back.

Now I'm going to walk into my small kitchenette and make dinner. And my thoughts won't be on dinner, but many other things instead. I don't have a big home, a huge kitchen, or any property to call my own save for this RV, but tonight I am in a relatively safe place with food and shelter, which is a lot more than others can say.

Paul and our family are not being massacred by Assad's forces or burned alive, as some reports are saying. The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. Women and children are NOT being spared in Aleppo. And all for what? For what, I ask you? I KNOW the so-called reasons...but ALL FOR WHAT?

Life is short and precious. All of this -- THIS -- goes away. Your big house, your food, your possessions, your...THINGS, countries, ideologies. Your body ceases to exist. As for your soul...well, we all know we can't or don't agree on that. But the pain, suffering, horror...it's too much to wrap one's head around. And it seems so needless in the end. Doesn't it? It does, at least for me.

And here we will sit, eating dinner soon, but there will be a lump in my throat and tears welling in my eyes because we are the lucky ones. At least for now.

Oh, the drama!

Ever notice how, when you mind your own business, other people—and sometimes even strangers—can't stand the calm and feel compelled to start drama? I'll never understand it. It's like some people cannot bear to have a calm atmosphere, so they take great pleasure in stirring up shit just to get a reaction or to annoy others.

Example: late last night, Paul and I left Britt's apartment and headed over to where we are currently parking our RV while we are in town. It was late, and I was tired. All I wanted to do was go to bed. We crawled into bed, talked for a bit, and settled in (with our dogs) to go to sleep. Next thing we know, there's a woman outside our RV yelling. I couldn't make out what she was saying. Turns out, she was griping and intentionally antagonizing our dogs—AT 5 IN THE MORNING! She returned to her RV, which was parked to the left of ours and across the way, but then a little while later, she came back over to where we were and began yelling again. This time, she started yelling, "RUFF, RUFF, RUFF!" to get the dogs stirred up.

My first reaction: WTF?! Was she drunk? High? What the hell was her problem at FIVE in the morning that she would intentionally try to antagonize our dogs?!

Paul and I prefer to dodge conflict if we can, so we didn't engage her and got the dogs back into the back of the RV, into our bedroom. They'd gone up front to react to the stupid shit she was yelling and the RUFF RUFF sounds she was making. Finally, we fell asleep. I still felt uncomfortable because I had a feeling she wasn't done with us yet. I was right.

In the morning, around 11:45 a.m., Paul and I are sleeping—as were the dogs—and guess what happened? Yep, you probably figured out that she walked over by our RV and started raising hell again, talking loudly and intentionally trying to stir things up again. *sigh* What in the hell did this woman want, and what was her motivation for disturbing us and antagonizing our dogs?! I must admit, I was trying to figure out what her motive was, but then I became annoyed...and later on, angry.

Basically, Paul and I want to be left alone to do our thing, which is primarily our jobs, studying, gaming, reading, or watching movies/shows. We are pretty simple people and we like our peace. Now here we had a complete stranger who decided that, for whatever reason, we were going to be her target. Just great.

You know, I just don't understand most people. I haven't for most of my life, though I've tried my level best to figure them out. But often, I feel like I'm an alien from another planet and that most of society is speaking another language or something. Might be why I'm so interested in psychology and why I've thrown myself into my Social and Forensic Psychology studies. Human beings are like exotic animals to me at times, even though I KNOW that I am a human being myself.

Long story short, I told Britt about what was going on and she said, "I'll be right over." My first thought was, "Oh, shit." Mainly because Britt is a lot like me when she gets riled up. Once she's there, she doesn't take anybody's shit. A few minutes later, Britt and her fiance, Tack, arrived. They went over and talked to the woman's boyfriend (who was embarrassed about the whole ordeal) and to the woman herself. Turns out the woman and her boyfriend were having serious issues, and he'd already thrown her stuff out of the RV and was going to break up with her and leave her after 6 1/2 years.

The woman, whose name is Lisa, shook my hand and told me she owed us an apology, that she'd projected her anger over her personal situation onto us. I felt compassion for her and told her that Paul and I didn't like to have conflict with people unless we had no other choice. We chatted for a few more minutes and left to walk back over to our RV. On the way back, her boyfriend indicated that he was sorry for the drama she had caused us. And I'm glad it was resolved—permanently, I hope—but as I sit here, I wonder how things will turn out for them. I saw the expression on her face and on his face. My heart dropped to my stomach because I knew it was a trying time for both of them, exacerbated by her acting out toward us and the dogs due to misplaced anger.

I've mentioned this before, but one unexpected side effect of living full-time in an RV is that you are THIS MUCH CLOSER to humanity and you're face-to-face with the real nature of human beings and society in general. It's unpleasant, it's often shocking, and it's a wake-up call. When you're in a house or apartment, you might get exposed to these things for a short time as you run errands and the like. But when you live in an RV and your home is wherever you park it, you SEE the pain, the trials of life, the layers of hurt, the disappointment. You also hear the tales of hard times and heartbreak. And you can attempt to steel yourself against all of this as much as you want, but in the end, you can't help but be affected in some way.

I would've never had some of these experiences otherwise, and it's added a dimension to my compassion, my mercy, my tolerance. I'm realizing that we're all just trying to make it on a daily basis, and for some people, it's damned hard to wake up and face another day. I've been there before, and I understand how they feel. And no matter how good my fortune gets in the future, I will never forget the things I've seen and heard so far, or the lessons I've learned. With everything in me, I truly hope Lisa and her boyfriend reconcile and they have a better life together than they could've ever imagined. No more pain, no more suffering.

Drama is so uncomfortable to me and is becoming more so as I become older. There are times when you cannot avoid conflict and you DO have to speak your mind, stand up for your rights, and set or reinforce boundaries. But I guess it's all about choosing your battles, and some are so trivial and basic that communication can usually resolve the problem. My first reaction was to leave and not even address the issue with Lisa because confronting or talking with strangers can lead to hair-trigger reactions in this day and age. You never know when someone will pull a weapon or do something off the charts in a fit of overreaction. But to my daughter's credit, as well as Tack's, they took the bull by the horns and addressed the issue in a direct, non-threatening manner.

Today I was the student and my 24-year-old daughter was my teacher. How cool is that?

Thoughts I've been thinking

Ummm...okay. So I'm going through my Livejournal posts from 2002 to present because I've had some re-examination going on inside my head since Lyn's death this past week. I realized that, while I like Facebook and I'll stay on here, I did A LOT more writing and was far less distracted (and more focused on writing) when I put my energy into Livejournal. Hell, I posted over 4,000 journal entries there. Crazy, huh?

Anyway, so as I'm tooling through the archives, I see a "Welcome, Butterflye!" subject. And I know it was a welcome note to Lyn when she joined LJ many years ago. Then I come back over here to Facebook and I get one of those "Here's a memory of yours from a year ago!" prompts from FB. And guess what? It's a post where I tagged Lyn. She's popping up over and over on so many levels.

There's a lot of things going on in my mind this week, most of it has to do with her unexpected death. I've been through this before when my first husband died and when two of my friends committed suicide. Each time it's a wake-up call. Each time I've made changes and shifts in my life. This time, I'm doing the same thing, but in different areas.

I also think that I'm done carrying the hurt, pain, and anger I've been lugging around for a number of years that's connected to people who have done me wrong in horrible ways -- or even abused me in unspeakable ways. It's too heavy to carry anymore and it's time to lighten the load. I cannot move forward with those monkeys on my back.

I'm going back to journaling on LJ. It might take me a while to get back up to speed, but I know it's something I need to do for a number of reasons.

Pulled an all-nighter and I can see I'm not used to doing it like I used to. My body hurts, particularly my back. I'm still a night person. That will never change. However, I think 'late night' will be redefined as no later than, say, 2:30 or 3 a.m., not 8 a.m. or later.

Right now I'm in my head a whole lot. If I seem distracted, that's why. The wheels are turning in my cranium, but it's a good thing.

One more thing: if you're on LJ, I'm still at http://elementalmuse.livejournal.com/ If you're not on LJ, it's an interesting place. You might wanna give it a try.

Living as you're intended

The other night we watched clips of the popular '70s (and beyond) dance show, "Soul Train," with Don Cornelius. I miss those days when things seemed more innocent and simpler. Of course, I was a young child, so it wasn't truly the case. It's just that the world hadn't yet had a chance to fully get its claws in me and I hadn't seen the many horrors I've now been exposed to in my fifty years of life.

I miss the times when all I had to worry about was finishing a report for school or whether a cute boy I liked would like me back so we could "go" together. You know, life could be uncomplicated, but we humans utterly insist on making it such.

I think it's possible to live without pain, drama, and crisis in our lives. When we live with those things, we get sick...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I don't want to be sick. I want to be well. I want to live as I was intended to live, with joy, hope, and creativity.

Do you?