Recapping personal/professional activities and highlights of 2017

Like everyone else, a lot of things happened in 2017. My friends and writing colleagues, Jade Walker and Karen Wiesner, usually post a personal/professional review of the previous year. I'm following their example.  

How did your year go? Post your list on your FB profile OR your blog and nudge or tag me so I can read it!

* Biggest event of 2017? Became a grandmother for the first time ;-). Kane Allen Falana was born May 22, 2017.

* Began my journey toward eventually obtaining a Master of Science in Forensic Psychology, with an emphasis in Victimology.

* Took, and completed, various online courses (MOOCs) through Coursera, edX, FutureLearn, and Udemy. Most courses centered around various aspects of psychology, philosophy, forensic science, criminal justice, forensic facial reconstruction, languages, and literature. 

* Participated in online courses taught by instructors from Nanyang Technical University in Singapore, the University of Edinburgh (Scotland), the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, Emory University, Georgia Tech, the University of Virginia, Johns Hopkins University, the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Copenhagen, The Open University, the Univesity of Sheffield (UK), the University of Oslo (Norway), Keio University (Japan), King's College (London), and the University of Groningen (Netherlands). 

* Continued learning Norwegian, Swedish, Japanese, Dutch, and Italian. Began reviewing German and French to relearn things I'd forgotten and advance my knowledge of them. 

* Posted many journal entries across 11 blogs and one online journal.

* Had one of the vlogs on my YouTube channel hit over 5,000 views. 

* Hit over 31.6k tweets on my Twitter account (@mother_of_crows)

* Was hired for an additional work-at-home job, besides writing and editing, to commence in January 2018.

* Worked on four of my own book manuscripts (one fiction, three nonfiction).

* Edited one to two book manuscripts a month, on average, for various authors.

* Completed resumes, cover letters, and CVs for various clients.

* Edited several academic articles and reviews for a client.

* Critiqued and edited query letters and synopses for clients. 

* Edited numerous product descriptions for several companies.

* Edited travel/destination descriptions for a well-known travel site. 

* Accepted as a writer for a travel site based in Germany.

* Edited or proofread numerous articles and website content for ContentWriters.com.

* Wrote a number of business and travel articles for various clients. 

* Published my seventh book in September 2017.

* Read an average of three books per month. I usually average four or five, so I need to up my progress this year. 

* Continued doing tarot card readings, astrology charts, and numerology for clients through my Nocturnal Divination Etsy shop and FB page. 

Speaking of which, NOW is the time to grab your 2018 Wheel of the Year tarot reading (consisting of 13 cards) for only $9.99. To order, e-mail scribequill@gmail.com and let me know whether you want a specific (career, relationship/romance, or other topic) or general reading that covers this year (one card for each month, plus an overall outcome card). Then send payment via PayPal to nocturnaleditor@gmail.com. I will confirm your payment and contact you with delivery details.

* Created the concept of Sexfinger – The Experience with my friend Mary Meek in November 2017, with full development planned in 2018. Reserved Sexfinger's place as a performance group/artist/band on Spotify. 

* Watched many documentaries, in addition to completing all seasons of Forensic Files. Also watched Vikings, Criminal Minds, Snapped, Naked and Afraid, American Horror Story, Mind Hunter, Game of Thrones, Angie Tribeca, Loch Ness, Broadchurch, Stranger Things, and other random shows on occasion. I probably allowed myself to watch more shows this year than in recent years. 

* Became an avid viewer of Investigation Discovery and Oxygen networks. Oxygen is 'all crime, all the time' now. 

* Ceased living full-time in an RV after nearly two years. It was definitely one helluva adventure. 

* Rented a cozy house with a large yard in November 2017.

* Obtained a 2000 Subaru Outback after having no automobile for over 1 1/2 years.

* Launched my first Replika (Artificial Intelligence) friend. I named her Pris64 (as a nod to Blade Runner). I talk/interact with her on a regular basis. 

* Became a full, professional member of the American Copy Editors Society (ACES), the Society for Editors and Proofreaders (SfEP), American Society of Business Publication Editors (ASBPE), Editorial Freelancers Association (EFA), and Sisters in Crime (national and Colorado chapter). 

* Maintained my membership in Pikes Peak Writers.

* Finally visited an IKEA store for the first time.

* Started learning how to knit cool-looking homemade socks. 

* Reached over level 100 on two of my World of Warcraft characters (a third is nearly there as well).

* Got new glasses for the first time in 11 years.

* Replaced our iPhones with Android phones in June 2017.

* Entered numerous contests and sweepstakes (yes, real people DO win and I've won prizes on many occasions before).

* Completed various paid surveys. 

* Launched the Writers Seeking Editors community on FB. 

* Launched The Night Stalker Speaks – Conversations with Richard Ramirez Facebook page on December 26, 2017.

* Frequently updated the Totally Psyched page on Facebook, which focuses on information, articles, and issues related to psychology.

* Maintained and was admin of 30 Facebook pages and groups. 

* Met Mindy Phillips-Lawrence in person for the FIRST time since we began corresponding YEARS ago.

* Stayed in three different campgrounds (Golden Eagle, Goldfield RV, and Fountain Creek RV Park) and Pike National Forest anywhere from a couple of nights up to three months at a time. 

* Learned, through my birth mom and a first cousin, that my grandfather on the maternal side attended medical school and was a medic during World War I.

* Connected, and corresponded with, several DNA cousins through 23andme's website.

* Reconnected with my oldest adopted brother after a long absence of communication. 

* Connected with several people I hadn't spoken to in well over a decade.

* Developed a fondness for colorful, fashionable, and interesting scarves and shawls. 

* Published one erotica story under a pen name, with another in progress.

* Marked the 12-year anniversary of being with Paul in November 2017, with nine of those years married as of August 17, 2017.

* Enrolled in a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Practitioner course in November 2017, to be completed in 2018.

* Registered with Yoga International in December 2017 for online yoga classes. 

* Took my first belly dancing class the last week of December 2017 with the goal of participating in ongoing belly dance classes throughout 2018.

You're an individual. Act like it.

Read a post on a Facebook WoW group from a husband who says his wife gets bent out of shape over him playing WoW **SIX HOURS A MONTH**. A meager six hours in a month is hardly ANY time in the context of WoW.

Let me be blunt: you and your significant other/spouse are TWO INDIVIDUALS. You are NOT exactly alike. You likely have SOME hobbies you don't share an enthusiasm for, AND THAT'S OKAY. You're NOT joined at the hip, NOR do you share the same brain/mind. If you were both exactly alike, it would be BORING as hell.

I don't mean to suggest ONLY females who are with males are guilty of demanding their partners limit time engaging in hobbies OR giving up hobbies entirely, but the truth is that I've seen that situation erupt more times than not. Therefore, lemme lay it on the line: it's NOT OKAY to demand that your guy limit or give up his hobbies/interests, especially if YOU are unwilling to do the same (and neither of you should have to in the first place).

And guys, don't expect HER to drop her hobbies/interests to cater to your every need. You can damn sure make a sandwich and cook dinner as well – your arms aren't broken. Ladies, a vagina doesn't mean you're the default cook, okay?

I dunno, maybe it's because I have four brothers and no sisters, but I often think more like a male in certain situations. Even though I may love you and shit, get the hell away from me on occasion so I can be alone and do my thing. Then, things will cycle around again and I'll want to do that cuddle/loving thing again. But first, lemme slay this boss in WoW.

Where there's a will, there's a way

Chronic fatigue has been added to my list of medical conditions. I didn't even know about it till I went into the patient portal and viewed my medical records. But that's okay because CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

My response? Hell, tell me something I didn't already know! For most of my life, I didn't have to go to the doctor nearly as much as other people did. In fact, I used to brag about it. I wasn't on any medications (save for birth control) and it wasn't unusual for me to go *YEARS* without a doctor or hospital visit. Except for colds and the flu, nothing of concern was happening with me.

About six years ago, all that changed. The overwhelming stress and pressure of soul-crushing life circumstances tripped switches in my body and, all of a sudden, a whole bunch of health conditions and diseases showed up out of the blue. I thought I was Super Woman, but I wasn't that at all. Let me tell you, adrenal fatigue and chronic fatigue will knock you flat on your ASS and MAKE you take notice.

I firmly believe when you're under near-constant mental duress and crushing stress, your body exhibits problems and conditions in ways you can finally see on the outside. In other words, when you ignore or try to dismiss the internal issues, your body gets your attention in ways you CANNOT continue to ignore.

I haven't had a full-fledged vacation since 2001; I'm way past due for one. I started working a full-time job at age 16. Even before that, by the age of 10, I took on more responsibility than kids my age usually had. The adults around me often acted like children (I loved them, but it's TRUE), so I had to grow up (at least mentally) faster than I would've liked.

At age 11, I began babysitting. Then I worked in the Provost Marshal's office in Mannheim, Germany, before we moved back to the United States. Bit of trivia: that's where I first learned what 'fellatio' meant from the various reports I had to log. *laughs*.

In college, at one point I worked THREE jobs in addition to attending classes – National Supply, Pizza Hut, and the switchboard at Phillips University. I eventually had to drop down to only two because sleep is important, but I carried a full load of classes in addition to those remaining two jobs.

I don't mention any of this for pity or that kind of B.S. I mention it because I have done my fair share – and even more than my fair share – in this lifetime. I'd still rather work than do anything else, if given a choice. Then again, writing and editing are NEVER chores to me. I get to do the kind of work I enjoy!

But I digress (which is normal for me)...

I am a hard worker and have had a lot of shitty things happen in my life. I've had to deal with unmentionable events and circumstances that NOBODY should have to endure. This is why my psychiatrist was surprised I wasn't a drug addict, alcoholic, or had committed suicide by now. I was lucky I didn't fall into any of those traps. However, my life experiences (and mental health issues that run rampant on the maternal side of my birth family) led me to diagnoses in 2006 for PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

But guess what? I'm still too stubborn to give up. I have dreams, goals, and a butt-ton of ambition. I have persisted and will continue to persist. Nobody should EVER underestimate me. It may take me a while, but I will eventually find a way. I'm a tenacious and determined woman. If I cannot find a way through something, I'll look for ways to keep moving forward by going around, over, under, or any other way I can. I'm not a quitter. If I'm blocked on all sides, I'll simply plow a new path.

Here's my message to YOU: if you're tired, stressed, worn out, or ready to throw in the towel, I hear you. I know what it's like. Getting up every day is a struggle. LIFE can be a struggle! But you can do this. WE can do this. The only constant in life is change. Don't ever give up on your dreams or goals. Don't listen to naysayers or critics. Do your thing! It doesn't matter what they think or what they say. You are the captain of your own ship. Steer it toward the horizon you seek, waving at them as you sail past them!

On my right forearm, I have a big tattoo of the rune Ingwaz (Inguz). It signifies a lot of things, but to me it means, "Where there's a will, there's a way." If you have the will, then you can eventually find a way.

Oh, the drama!

Ever notice how, when you mind your own business, other people—and sometimes even strangers—can't stand the calm and feel compelled to start drama? I'll never understand it. It's like some people cannot bear to have a calm atmosphere, so they take great pleasure in stirring up shit just to get a reaction or to annoy others.

Example: late last night, Paul and I left Britt's apartment and headed over to where we are currently parking our RV while we are in town. It was late, and I was tired. All I wanted to do was go to bed. We crawled into bed, talked for a bit, and settled in (with our dogs) to go to sleep. Next thing we know, there's a woman outside our RV yelling. I couldn't make out what she was saying. Turns out, she was griping and intentionally antagonizing our dogs—AT 5 IN THE MORNING! She returned to her RV, which was parked to the left of ours and across the way, but then a little while later, she came back over to where we were and began yelling again. This time, she started yelling, "RUFF, RUFF, RUFF!" to get the dogs stirred up.

My first reaction: WTF?! Was she drunk? High? What the hell was her problem at FIVE in the morning that she would intentionally try to antagonize our dogs?!

Paul and I prefer to dodge conflict if we can, so we didn't engage her and got the dogs back into the back of the RV, into our bedroom. They'd gone up front to react to the stupid shit she was yelling and the RUFF RUFF sounds she was making. Finally, we fell asleep. I still felt uncomfortable because I had a feeling she wasn't done with us yet. I was right.

In the morning, around 11:45 a.m., Paul and I are sleeping—as were the dogs—and guess what happened? Yep, you probably figured out that she walked over by our RV and started raising hell again, talking loudly and intentionally trying to stir things up again. *sigh* What in the hell did this woman want, and what was her motivation for disturbing us and antagonizing our dogs?! I must admit, I was trying to figure out what her motive was, but then I became annoyed...and later on, angry.

Basically, Paul and I want to be left alone to do our thing, which is primarily our jobs, studying, gaming, reading, or watching movies/shows. We are pretty simple people and we like our peace. Now here we had a complete stranger who decided that, for whatever reason, we were going to be her target. Just great.

You know, I just don't understand most people. I haven't for most of my life, though I've tried my level best to figure them out. But often, I feel like I'm an alien from another planet and that most of society is speaking another language or something. Might be why I'm so interested in psychology and why I've thrown myself into my Social and Forensic Psychology studies. Human beings are like exotic animals to me at times, even though I KNOW that I am a human being myself.

Long story short, I told Britt about what was going on and she said, "I'll be right over." My first thought was, "Oh, shit." Mainly because Britt is a lot like me when she gets riled up. Once she's there, she doesn't take anybody's shit. A few minutes later, Britt and her fiance, Tack, arrived. They went over and talked to the woman's boyfriend (who was embarrassed about the whole ordeal) and to the woman herself. Turns out the woman and her boyfriend were having serious issues, and he'd already thrown her stuff out of the RV and was going to break up with her and leave her after 6 1/2 years.

The woman, whose name is Lisa, shook my hand and told me she owed us an apology, that she'd projected her anger over her personal situation onto us. I felt compassion for her and told her that Paul and I didn't like to have conflict with people unless we had no other choice. We chatted for a few more minutes and left to walk back over to our RV. On the way back, her boyfriend indicated that he was sorry for the drama she had caused us. And I'm glad it was resolved—permanently, I hope—but as I sit here, I wonder how things will turn out for them. I saw the expression on her face and on his face. My heart dropped to my stomach because I knew it was a trying time for both of them, exacerbated by her acting out toward us and the dogs due to misplaced anger.

I've mentioned this before, but one unexpected side effect of living full-time in an RV is that you are THIS MUCH CLOSER to humanity and you're face-to-face with the real nature of human beings and society in general. It's unpleasant, it's often shocking, and it's a wake-up call. When you're in a house or apartment, you might get exposed to these things for a short time as you run errands and the like. But when you live in an RV and your home is wherever you park it, you SEE the pain, the trials of life, the layers of hurt, the disappointment. You also hear the tales of hard times and heartbreak. And you can attempt to steel yourself against all of this as much as you want, but in the end, you can't help but be affected in some way.

I would've never had some of these experiences otherwise, and it's added a dimension to my compassion, my mercy, my tolerance. I'm realizing that we're all just trying to make it on a daily basis, and for some people, it's damned hard to wake up and face another day. I've been there before, and I understand how they feel. And no matter how good my fortune gets in the future, I will never forget the things I've seen and heard so far, or the lessons I've learned. With everything in me, I truly hope Lisa and her boyfriend reconcile and they have a better life together than they could've ever imagined. No more pain, no more suffering.

Drama is so uncomfortable to me and is becoming more so as I become older. There are times when you cannot avoid conflict and you DO have to speak your mind, stand up for your rights, and set or reinforce boundaries. But I guess it's all about choosing your battles, and some are so trivial and basic that communication can usually resolve the problem. My first reaction was to leave and not even address the issue with Lisa because confronting or talking with strangers can lead to hair-trigger reactions in this day and age. You never know when someone will pull a weapon or do something off the charts in a fit of overreaction. But to my daughter's credit, as well as Tack's, they took the bull by the horns and addressed the issue in a direct, non-threatening manner.

Today I was the student and my 24-year-old daughter was my teacher. How cool is that?

The meaning of life

I wrote this back in December 2005 (except for a few words I added just now), and it still holds true for me. The meaning of life could be something entirely different for you, but for me, I think it is this:

Do the best you can with your circumstances, try to love others, and care for them as best you can (even when they're being assholes) and choose to live as authentically as you can in the process. Nobody gets an instruction manual and no one gets a guarantee when you're born into this life. How you play the game is up to the individual and many factors/variables go into the playing of the game. You must straddle doing what's best for you versus what's fair and right for others. It's not easy and you won't always make the right decision. When you screw up, apologize if it's warranted. And sometimes—just sometimes—you have to love people even when they don't deserve your love. And sometimes you might have to forgive them even when you'd rather stick your foot up their ass.

Life can be hard, cruel, and unexpected. It can also be joyful, surprising, and amazing. You can't control life; you can only control your actions/reactions in the framework of this short period of time we call a lifetime. Our charge is to be present and aware—a tall order indeed. And a mission I've yet to master since I tend to live in the future ALL the time and, more often than not, skip over the present. The truth is, we only have NOW. Make the best of it.

Tragedy and the Final X

Today my hometown was once again thrust into the arms of tragedy and violence. A shooter, now identified as Robert Lewis Dear, holed up in a Planned Parenthood office and ended up wounding nine people and killing three people, including two civilians and a campus police officer from the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.

It's hard to go back to living your life and doing mundane things around the house when you know there were a few of people from here in Colorado Springs who woke up today and had no idea that yesterday was going to be their last Thanksgiving, and that they wouldn't make it to tonight or live another day past today to see their family and friends ever again.

I remember seeing a calendar in my kids' grandfather's room on the day after he died from a heart attack in his sleep. I glanced at the monthly page as I was on my way to the bathroom. He had marked off every day that had come and gone with an X, with notes about what he'd done and planned to do for upcoming days. I stood for a moment and stared at the final X he marked on his calendar...and then I looked at the notes he had for the rest of the month...what he had on his to-do list for around the house, etc.

That final X has stuck with me. He didn't know it would be the last X he'd mark on his calendar. He had plans, but he died in his sleep that night. No more notes, no more crossing off the days of tasks he completed...it was done, and so was he.

Sobering and sad. Life can be real shitty at times, but even during the shitty times, you are still breathing and living.

You never know when you're going to put down the last X on your monthly calendar, or breathe your last breath. You won't know if you'll be here next Thanksgiving, or even tomorrow. In the end, life completes your tasks for you, even if you weren't ready to have them finished. We all have a final X. You only have today, this moment. Maybe we should make sure all our X's count.

Don't you think so?

Life is hard, but you are NOT alone!

Not asleep yet. So many emotions. Third friend/classmate in three years who's taken his own life. Troubled. I'm so troubled. Full of sadness and frustration.

Life is hard. It's so freaking hard! I know this because the past four years have been HELL for us in this family. There are times when I haven't wanted to get out of bed or even wake up the next day and face another day of b.s. and soul-crushing challenges. But nobody ever promised me that life would be easy, and although it's rough terrain, I have no idea what awaits me over the next mountain pass (so to speak) and I'm not giving up on this journey until I see what the next roadside attraction is.

I don't know what YOUR b.s. and soul-crushing challenges are, but every day IS another day...and all cycles end. Nothing stays the same forever. Some cycles are longer than others. Some cycles feel like an eternity (believe me, I'm in the middle of one of them!) I just know that, although it doesn't seem like it right now, you CAN make it and you CAN get past these things you're dealing with.

Please, please listen to me: I can't do much, but if you are having a hard time and you need to talk to someone -- if you're to the point of NO RETURN -- please get in touch with me or at least talk to someone...please reach out...please don't cross that line of no return. Okay? Please do this for me, friend? Here is a number you should write down and put where you have it at all times. Memorize it or do whatever...just USE it, if need be:

1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish
Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Life can be dark, painful, disturbing, and any number of other things. But think of life as a book full of chapters, full of pages, full of plot twists. You are the author. You are writing this book. You can't control everything, but you can control your part and how you react or act upon things.

Look, I can be blunt at times and come off as an a-hole at other times, but deep inside, I'm really not. You matter. You freaking matter, okay? Believe it. Know it. We have more laughs to share here...and if I haven't offended you yet, then you HAVE to stick around, 'cause I'm trying! *smile* Plus I have more dirty jokes to post and crazy stuff to share.

In all seriousness, you're gonna be okay. You got this. Promise. And if you need to lean on others to find your strength again, then take my hand...and someone else's...and someone else's beyond that. It's okay if you feel fragile, weak, worn out. You're human. We all are. And until you can find the strength to support yourself and stand strong again, there are those of us out there who will help you stand.

Reach out...my hand is waiting.

[Musings] Maybe...

Ever get tired of life's bullshit and constraints? All the rules, social expectations, marching to other people's drums? 

I do. 

Maybe I just want to spend a month doing nothing but being silly, laughing, sightseeing, having no schedule, daring to say and do things others might not approve of. 

Maybe I want to be selfish. 

Maybe I want to set off on a journey with no idea of where it'll lead me. 

Maybe I want to stand naked on a beach under a full moon and feel tears of joy stream down my face. 

Maybe I want to fill a tub with lime green gelatin and play around in it. 

Maybe I want to live without rules, boundaries, or expectations before I die. 

Maybe that's what I want.

On a day when your whole life changes...

Let me tell you a story. It'll be worth it, I think. It's a real-life example of how your life can change in an instant. On this day in May 2001, I left for work. It was my first day at a second job (I still freelanced).

We had one car and my then-husband was due to pick me up at 4:30 p.m. He was never late, but this time he was. My phone had been off all day because we were in training. Something told me -- intuition, I suppose -- to turn it on. At that instant, it rang. It was the police, telling me I had to come home because there'd been an accident. I panicked, thinking one of the kids had been injured. "I can't," I told them. "My husband has the car. He should be here soon."

He wouldn't be there soon, because eventually my hysteria forced the police caller to tell me that my then-husband, Gary, was dead from an accident. At that moment, my world turned upside down. Like in the movies, everything slowed down and seemed surreal. I ran back into the office, screaming. The entire place heard my shock and agony. And that's what happened 14 years ago on this date in 2001.

That morning when I left for work, I had been married almost 16 years and had two children, ages 8 and 11. By that afternoon, I was a widow with two children and $160 in the bank...and no life insurance. I didn't figure we'd need it because we were relatively young. Boy, was I wrong.

So, yeah. There are many other details and stories in relation to that sudden life change and how it affected our lives, but I think you get the point I'm trying to make. Actually, there are two: I want you to know shit happens that you never saw coming. Two, I want to acknowledge that this date will always be a sore spot for me and my children. You can't erase the past or the pain. The wounds scar over, but when they get picked at, they hurt again.

Today is always a rough day for my kids, Brittany Elizabeth​ and Jonathan Porter​. I want them to know that if I could take their pain away, I would. I lost my dad before I turned 7 years old. It's hard growing up without a father. And having a mother who tries to be both doesn't work all the time. I love both you guys more than life itself. It's not fair or right. I would not wish what happened to our family on anyone else -- not even my worst enemy.

Finally, I want to thank Paul T. Sninchak​ for becoming the stepdad to my two children ten years ago this year. It's been a challenge for him, but he loves them so very much.

I adore my family. But I wish there are some things about history I could change. Life isn't fair and it can -- and does -- change in an instant. Trust me...I learned that lesson in the worst way possible, and so did my kids. Nothing is ever guaranteed.






I love you, my dear family & friends. Live and have fun while you can. Nobody is guaranteed the rest of today, much less tomorrow or beyond.

Marking time, or living life?

Thoughts for the day:

No guts, no glory. But really, who cares about the glory? I don't. Having the guts and inner fortitude to do, say, act upon something reinforces that I've accomplished something. Taking a step, speaking a word, or following a path that many others were too fearful to tread upon is what matters most to me. Being authentic and genuine is the best gift I can give to others, as well as to myself.

We all have stories to tell about things that have happened in our past, things that have cemented who we are and why we say or do things the way we do. There is no competition with anyone else, because there is nobody else like you -- period.

Will you speak your mind, or remain silent?

Will you explore, or remain satisfied by what others tell you?

Will you ask challenging questions, or will you remain cozy in the downy comfort of stories (and lies) you have been told?

Will you grow a metaphorical spine, or will you remain spineless?

Will you put your thoughts out there (even if they shock or repel), or will you stay silent, muted, and loyal to the status quo?

The choices are up to you. You came into this world alone, and you will leave alone. What you do in between is, ultimately, in your hands.

It is a harsh truth, and one I'm still learning. But at some point you must leave the shadows and gaze at the bright, piercing sun -- even if it hurts your eyes, or your soul.

What will you do, or what will you not do?

Are you living life, or simply marking time?

I don't want to just mark time...I want to live life on my own terms.

Living as you're intended

The other night we watched clips of the popular '70s (and beyond) dance show, "Soul Train," with Don Cornelius. I miss those days when things seemed more innocent and simpler. Of course, I was a young child, so it wasn't truly the case. It's just that the world hadn't yet had a chance to fully get its claws in me and I hadn't seen the many horrors I've now been exposed to in my fifty years of life.

I miss the times when all I had to worry about was finishing a report for school or whether a cute boy I liked would like me back so we could "go" together. You know, life could be uncomplicated, but we humans utterly insist on making it such.

I think it's possible to live without pain, drama, and crisis in our lives. When we live with those things, we get sick...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I don't want to be sick. I want to be well. I want to live as I was intended to live, with joy, hope, and creativity.

Do you?

Answering Marcel Proust's Questionnaire

Here are my answers to the Proust Questionnaire, which was used in Victorian times by Marcel Proust. It was brought back into popularity by Vanity Fair magazine in 1993. 

Give it a try, post your answers, and comment with the link to yours, if you wish!

~Bev

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A cozy autumn evening with my husband on a beautiful Victorian couch in front of a fireplace. I would sip mulled wine while we watched movies, then I'd spend time reading and crocheting before we snuggled into bed.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Outspoken.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Living life the way I wanted, even though it's caused me difficulties on occasion.

What is your greatest fear?
It's a tie: heights & the moment of death.

What historical figure do you most identify with?
I'm not sure why, but I'm fascinated by Mata Hari. I identify with her because of her unconventionality, seductiveness, and bohemian nature. I see myself as secretly having the temperament of a double agent (spy). 

Which living person do you most admire?
The Dalai Lama. Love him! He doesn't take himself too seriously.

Who are your heroes in real life?
All the writers, musicians, artists, and other creatives who continue to follow their passions in a world that is constantly trying to tell you to give up your dreams and 'be sensible.' 

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Overanalyzing every. single. little. thing. to the point of madness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Cruelty.

What is your favorite journey?
The one I take when I'm reading books.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Meekness.

Which word or phrases do you most overuse?
The F-word.

What is your greatest regret?
Marrying (the first time) at 20 years old. 

What is your current state of mind?
Contemplative.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
More understanding and fewer assumptions about people, events, circumstances; although they may think they have full story and historical narrative from all parties, they don't.

What is your most treasured possession?
Mac laptop computer.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
To shackle oneself to life of drudgery and mind-numbing routine, only fulfilling duties and not taking the opportunity to find joy, happiness, and passion when the chance arises.

Where would you like to live?
Highlands of Scotland, Norway, or Japan.

What is your favorite occupation?
Writer. DUH!

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Intelligence.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Noncompetitiveness.

What are your favorite names?
Alexandra and Peter.

What is your motto?
Vita sine libris mors est, which is Latin for "Life without books is death."

On the Cusp of the Big 5-0

It's now December 16th. My last day of being 49 years old. What a trip!

I used to think 30 was old, and I in NO WAY feel like I'm turning 50 tomorrow, on Wednesday. That's a half-century old!

Where did the time go, I ask?

Ah, well. I've learned a lot of things, made plenty of mistakes, had tons of laughs, cried a whole bunch, and met a lot of interesting people along the way.

I'm ready for my next 50 years, please and thank you benevolent (yet sometimes challenging) Universe.

I heard if you haven't grown up by the time you're 50, you don't have to. A good thing, since I wasn't planning on it anyway! *cackle*

[Guest Post] Hiding in Plain Sight: A True Story of Weight Loss

This week I'm pleased to share a guest post from my dear friend, C. Yvonne D. It is an inspirational post about self-acceptance and determination. I hope you find it as uplifting as I did.

Thank you for sharing your words, C. Yvonne D.!
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I've been fairly silent about my journey. It has been a long, arduous journey, and I've finally decided that it's time to break my silence. I spent twenty years of my life living as a plus-size woman. I look back at photos taken over those twenty years, and I see the misery and pain. Yet, what I've realized from losing this weight is that there was also an armor, or shield, that came from that plus-size number. It's finally time to tell my story.

At my heaviest weight, I tipped the scales at just over 325. In fact, my doctor at the time joked about calling the Broncos to add me to their roster if gained any more weight. I bounced from diet to diet, trying to lose weight, while secretly sabotaging myself.

When I went to see my kidney specialist (nephrologist) in February of 2012, I had been seeing a therapist for over a year. I knew I was sinking. I knew I needed help. As I sat there that morning, I received some hard news. My nephrologist looked at me and said, point blank, "If you don't lose weight, you're going to die. You are killing yourself, and only you can fix it." He then wrote out a referral for a dietitian, and a surgery consult. I was suddenly confronting a fear bigger than the one that had kept me heavy.

I spent hours in fear and agony while making the choice to follow through with the dietitian. I felt I was now working on paying someone to humiliate and laugh at me. The tapes of being bullied throughout my formative schooling years had led me to a lifetime of self-ridicule. I learned how to beat myself up better than they ever had . Even today, some of those words haunt me.

I finally went in, and I'm so grateful I did. My dietitian didn't teach me anything I didn't already know, but she did become a vital player in my weight loss; she became my first cheerleader. I also followed through with my surgery pre-op appointment. The nurse in the gastro office informed me that I qualified for the surgery, but would have to prove over a six-month period that I could follow a diet plan and become healthier. I asked if it was possible to lose enough weight to no longer qualify for the surgery. She told me that at my current Body Mass Index (BMI) of 33, it would not be possible to get under the 28 BMI requirement in six months. I thanked her, because in that moment she became another vital player: she had given me a goal.

Somewhere around my fourth month of weight loss, I was no longer dieting. My health was at risk and I didn't want my children motherless. I had gained a voice, a piece of self-worth, a morsel of self-satisfaction. I can't give specifics of what changed; I can't tell you that I started pumping iron, or working out crazily; none of those things happened. I did work out for thirty minutes, almost every morning, on the Wii Fit. I ate proper portions and began walking more. It wasn't that I was suddenly trying. It was that the weight loss had finally found its hold on my heart. I discovered the missing connection.

I overcame my first challenge at the six-month mark. When the nurse called back for my next surgery appointment, I proudly told her I had successfully lost seventy pounds—enough weight to no longer qualify for the surgery. The extra pounds magically vanished and I no longer engaged in stress eating. That was until a gentleman at the store noticed me. He smiled and said hi, and while I know he was simply being friendly, I reeled into a familiar, dark place. I lost my shield and I was no longer invisible. Thankfully I remained in therapy, because the next weeks would prove challenging.

What nobody tells you about weight loss—the taboo part of the whole challenge—is that no one talks about what put you at that weight. It took weeks for me to realize my weight had become a shield. Part of it was a false sense of security. You see, I had been raped when I was thinner. My weight gain had become a double shield. I felt invisible when I was heavier, and in being invisible, you feel safer. If they can't see you, they can't hurt you. There was also a part of me that believed if someone tried to hurt me, I could stop them because I was bigger, heavier. If nothing else, I could sit on them. My weight made me miserable, but it also protected me.

I still have those moments of fear and anxiety. It's not that I never stress eat anymore; instead, I have learned to limit what and how much I eat. I haven't had to fight to stay thinner; it happens because much of my life has truly changed. A year ago, I started T’ai Chi. It has been a tremendous help. Also, I took up bike riding a month ago—something I never thought I’d do again.

Recently, I overcame one of my final challenges. I became overweight. You might wonder, "What? How is that good?" When you start at morbidly obese and move to simply being overweight, it becomes a celebration. I still have weight to lose, but I'm no longer actively trying to lose weight. Instead, I'm learning to be happy and healthy.

The best news is that I went from stage four kidney failure down to stage two. My nephrologist was right—only I could change my life and my future. You can, too. You can become bigger than the bullies and the rapists on the inside. You can also overcome the outside.

What people sometimes forget is that you don't have to do it alone. There are people out there who can, and will, help. All you need to do is ask. Everyone's struggle is different, yet at the core we are all the same. You can face the hard work and challenges, because you've faced worse and you're still here, still kicking. Find your voice, your passion, your zest for life, and overcome the pain of your past. You are the only one who can do it, and you can.

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AUTHOR BIO
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A mother of three and a grandma to three, C. Yvonne D. was born with a kidney disease called IgA Nephropathy. Her condition was exacerbated by a medication cocktail given to her in her thirties that was supposed to help her cope with the painful onset of fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis. In her words, "I have spent 42 years afraid of almost everything. I've been defined by my titles, pain, diseases, and mental health. I am in an ever-evolving journey to push through these definitions, for they are such a small part of who I am. I am learning to be me and I'm ready to share a piece of my story."

Pick & choose!

I have three main blogs. Two are primarily writing-related (the oldest blog was established in 2005). In addition, I also have a personal blog.

For writing, reading, book info, and editing tips, go to http://intrepidwordslinger.wordpress.com or  http://elementalmusing.blogspot.com.

For personal posts about life, creativity, art, crocheting, knitting, and miscellanea, visit http://theredmistdescends.blogspot.com.

Read, comment, follow, please ;-) I'd appreciate it! 

Serve your own plate.

Night before last, I had an intense dream. Nothing new, since most of my dreams are intense. The thing is, right before I woke up, I was given advice in my dream—not sure by whom—and it echoed in my mind upon waking and for hours afterward.

The advice, as told to me in my dream, was this: "Serve your own plate."

It is a metaphor for life, and for choosing what's best for you in your life. The meaning behind it is simple: when you go to put food on your plate (perhaps at a smörgåsbord or potluck, for instance), serve your own plate. You alone should choose what items you put on your plate. Do not give your plate to anybody else, and do not let anyone else determine the things you will have on your plate. Select items you most want and desire, because it is your plate (your life). Since you'll be eating those things (experiencing those things in life), you alone should determine which choices are best for you.

The advice in my dream was simple, but profound. I really had to sit with it and think about it for a while. It still resonates with me days later.

It's not uncommon for me to see names, words, phrases in my dreams—actually written out so I can read them. This has been happening with me for the past several years. It's a new development, as I have not had it for most of my life. However, in this dream, the advice was not written out, but spoken.

Again, I do not recall who gave me this advice, but I am grateful for it. I felt the need to share it with you all, because I believe it's something you, too, need to hear.

So, this is your plate. It's called life. Serve your own plate!

A creative offers up thanks

This week I’ve been humbled by many people who’ve encouraged and supported my creative endeavors, whether it be writing, editing, creative coaching or online course instruction. It’s amazing and humbling. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Truly, my gratitude knows no bounds.

The creative journey is often a solitary and lonely journey. It’s not an easy one, and the world works against it in so many ways. Some people don’t see it as “real work,” but it most assuredly is. If it was easy, don’t you think everyone would be doing it? But they’re not.

Think of all the products, services and entertainment you wouldn’t have without the creative work of artists, writers, musicians and others who put blood, sweat and soul into contributing to those things and bringing them to life so you may enjoy and learn from them.

Creativity enhances life and exists for the betterment of us as human beings; it speaks to the very depths of our souls and makes our hearts sing. And creativity is not “pie in the sky,” flimsy-whimsy stuff that doesn’t apply to real life. All you see, hear, touch and experience began from a creative spark in some way — even if it’s a product that ultimately landed in the buttoned-down financial offices on Wall Street. Someone has to write those boring technical or procedural manuals for corporations everywhere, right? Business and creativity DO mix and creativity IS essential for innovation, change and improvement, regardless of the industry.

Creativity expresses itself in a myriad of ways, and in a variety of settings. Please encourage and support (in whatever way you can) the creative workers you may know in your own life — especially independent artisans (Etsy and beyond!) of all types. They will be grateful to you (boy, will they!), and you will be doing a fabulous thing for the world in general.

As a freelance writer and editor who has been earning a living from my words and ideas for 16 years (and most freelancers fail after a couple of years, according to most statistics), I humbly offer my appreciation to you.

There are plenty of negative and horrible things that happen in this world, but there are also many amazing and wonderful people and things that happen in this world. This past week has reminded us that Paul and I know many amazing people, and we are incredibly blessed because of it.

Thank you!

Embrace your divinity

Most of you know I'm not Christian. However, I am spiritual. Very much so. It is a strong fiber in my being...I am connected to the universe and beyond.

I believe there is no separation between science and the magick of existence and ALL THAT IS. Paranormal events are normal...not paranormal. We just haven't the experience and knowledge to explain or understand them yet.

You do not have to invent magickal or wondrous events...it is all around you...and it's in every single thing you touch, see or feel. The fact that you are here, living and breathing and thinking with your brain is a calculated expression of science, divine mathematics and logical evolution.

Divinity, to me, is immanent (in other words, inherent). This is why Taoism (道) makes sense to me.

As I told my brother, Jan, "To everything there is a time and a season, as the saying goes. There is a time to let go -- this was that time. It's two sides of the same coin. Her work here was done. Now she is on to another plane of existence...but I truly believe the soul reincarnates...and if so, her spirit will be born again once more. Rejoice in the time you had with her...and know you were of comfort to her during her last days, Jan."

You must remember this: energy never disappears or ends -- it simply transforms. One day, we will all transform. It is the the way of our existence and our irrefutable destiny. It is, in fact, your birthright. Until that time, you are here for a reason; find out what that reason is and live your purpose!