On Leaving Neverland

I'm watching Leaving Neverland and have mixed emotions.

First, I am also a survivor of sexual abuse, so it's hard for me to watch. It brings up raw feelings and memories that are painful – especially those of reporting my sexual abuse to others and being told I was lying (years later, most of those people apologized to me because they discovered I was telling the truth).

Second, I also know that accusations are not proof, and while most people who are abused are telling the truth, there are some who lie for fame, money, etc. The thing is, when you're sexually abused, there are usually NO witnesses FOR A REASON. Obviously, the abuser does NOT want witnesses. It makes things difficult because, without proof, it's one person's word against another's word.

Third, I am a huge Michael Jackson fan and I know he was never convicted of any sexual abuse. He was acquitted. Now, does that mean he didn't do it? No. It means he was found innocent in a court of law. But we all know that doesn't MEAN the person found innocent was truly innocent.

I always wanted to believe that MJ was misunderstood and that he was never truly guilty of the charges. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I couldn't bear to think that someone I admired and saw as incredibly talented was secretly a pedophile.

So now comes Leaving Neverland. I feel like I have to watch it no matter what – for my own edification. The other part of me also thinks, "The guy's been dead for a decade and they still can't leave him alone." The other side responds, "Yes, but if he DID do these things, the victims deserve to be heard and the truth to come out." But honestly, we will never know the absolute truth, because MJ is dead and it's never going to be more than weighing claims and charges by victims and others against a man who is no longer living and who took what really happened to his grave.

I'm torn because I can see many sides to this. What's also happening here is something in psychology that's called the Halo Effect, which is a cognitive bias in which one's overall impression of a person influences how we feel and think about that person's character. I have a positive overall impression of MJ and that has influenced how I see his character. But, as a sexual abuse survivor and knowing what it's like to have people not believe you when you tell them what happened, I remember the pain and hurt and can identify with others in that regard.

How many of you have watched Leaving Neverland? What were your impressions or thoughts afterward? This is a tough documentary to watch and I've had to pause it many times. Nonetheless, I will finish it. My emotions are in a jumble, though. That's the only thing I can say with certainty for right now.

[Dreams] Strange words, roller coasters, Michael Jackson reincarnated

So, the next chapter of the weird stuff I dream. As I mentioned many times before, I sometimes dream of words, phrases, names, or even addresses. This started happening a couple years ago, roughly. It had never happened to me before then.

The other night I once again saw a word written out in my dream. The word, 'legerdemain,' I have heard of before, but I didn't know what it meant. I wrongly suspected it had something to do with owning land or something like that. I looked it up, and it actually means conjuring, sleight of hand, skill in using your hands to perform magic tricks, or a display of skill/adroitness. The word was typed out on a piece of paper, which is how I read it in my dream. What an interesting word to dream about and ponder. 

As for last night, one dream was about a roller coaster accident. It tilted too much to the left (I viewed the coaster from behind, by the way) when it went around a bend and dumped all the riders into a body of water that was next to the coaster. Nobody was killed, but it was a disturbing dream. 

I also dreamed that Michael Jackson was a kid again (possibly reincarnated?) Except his new name was typed out on the tab of a folder as Garane (Garone?) Michael or something similar. I was leading him around in my dream (he was a kid and I was an adult) and taking care of him. 

Strange all around! Because, you know, I can't ever have boring dreams. They have to be filled with weirdness, intensity, and crazy emotion.