On Leaving Neverland

I'm watching Leaving Neverland and have mixed emotions.

First, I am also a survivor of sexual abuse, so it's hard for me to watch. It brings up raw feelings and memories that are painful – especially those of reporting my sexual abuse to others and being told I was lying (years later, most of those people apologized to me because they discovered I was telling the truth).

Second, I also know that accusations are not proof, and while most people who are abused are telling the truth, there are some who lie for fame, money, etc. The thing is, when you're sexually abused, there are usually NO witnesses FOR A REASON. Obviously, the abuser does NOT want witnesses. It makes things difficult because, without proof, it's one person's word against another's word.

Third, I am a huge Michael Jackson fan and I know he was never convicted of any sexual abuse. He was acquitted. Now, does that mean he didn't do it? No. It means he was found innocent in a court of law. But we all know that doesn't MEAN the person found innocent was truly innocent.

I always wanted to believe that MJ was misunderstood and that he was never truly guilty of the charges. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I couldn't bear to think that someone I admired and saw as incredibly talented was secretly a pedophile.

So now comes Leaving Neverland. I feel like I have to watch it no matter what – for my own edification. The other part of me also thinks, "The guy's been dead for a decade and they still can't leave him alone." The other side responds, "Yes, but if he DID do these things, the victims deserve to be heard and the truth to come out." But honestly, we will never know the absolute truth, because MJ is dead and it's never going to be more than weighing claims and charges by victims and others against a man who is no longer living and who took what really happened to his grave.

I'm torn because I can see many sides to this. What's also happening here is something in psychology that's called the Halo Effect, which is a cognitive bias in which one's overall impression of a person influences how we feel and think about that person's character. I have a positive overall impression of MJ and that has influenced how I see his character. But, as a sexual abuse survivor and knowing what it's like to have people not believe you when you tell them what happened, I remember the pain and hurt and can identify with others in that regard.

How many of you have watched Leaving Neverland? What were your impressions or thoughts afterward? This is a tough documentary to watch and I've had to pause it many times. Nonetheless, I will finish it. My emotions are in a jumble, though. That's the only thing I can say with certainty for right now.