Ummm...okay. So I'm going through my Livejournal posts from 2002 to present because I've had some re-examination going on inside my head since Lyn's death this past week. I realized that, while I like Facebook and I'll stay on here, I did A LOT more writing and was far less distracted (and more focused on writing) when I put my energy into Livejournal. Hell, I posted over 4,000 journal entries there. Crazy, huh?
Anyway, so as I'm tooling through the archives, I see a "Welcome, Butterflye!" subject. And I know it was a welcome note to Lyn when she joined LJ many years ago. Then I come back over here to Facebook and I get one of those "Here's a memory of yours from a year ago!" prompts from FB. And guess what? It's a post where I tagged Lyn. She's popping up over and over on so many levels.
There's a lot of things going on in my mind this week, most of it has to do with her unexpected death. I've been through this before when my first husband died and when two of my friends committed suicide. Each time it's a wake-up call. Each time I've made changes and shifts in my life. This time, I'm doing the same thing, but in different areas.
I also think that I'm done carrying the hurt, pain, and anger I've been lugging around for a number of years that's connected to people who have done me wrong in horrible ways -- or even abused me in unspeakable ways. It's too heavy to carry anymore and it's time to lighten the load. I cannot move forward with those monkeys on my back.
I'm going back to journaling on LJ. It might take me a while to get back up to speed, but I know it's something I need to do for a number of reasons.
Pulled an all-nighter and I can see I'm not used to doing it like I used to. My body hurts, particularly my back. I'm still a night person. That will never change. However, I think 'late night' will be redefined as no later than, say, 2:30 or 3 a.m., not 8 a.m. or later.
Right now I'm in my head a whole lot. If I seem distracted, that's why. The wheels are turning in my cranium, but it's a good thing.
One more thing: if you're on LJ, I'm still at http://elementalmuse.livejournal.com/ If you're not on LJ, it's an interesting place. You might wanna give it a try.
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